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Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
07 April 2009 @ 12:43 pm

I had 4 days off and I did stuff.

Friday I was lazy. I just watched movies and TV until 2:30 PM and did a load of laundry. Then I got showered and dressed and went to a doctor's appointment. I did a little grocery shopping, came home, ate dinner and watched movies until it was time to sleep. The sounds from the very high winds going on outside kept me up most of the night anyway.

Saturday the phone rang early. It was my Aunt who wanted to know if I wanted to go to the public market with her. At first I said no. Then I called her back and told her I'd be there in a half hour. We went to the market and bought veggies, fruits and various meats and seafood. I went home and tidied up the house. My grandmother and Aunt came over for supper later on in the day. We hung out until about 9, then they went home and I cleaned up the kitchen and watched TV.

Sunday Annie and I drove to Liverpool (NY) to go to the nice dog park that they have. Monroe county doesn't have one and it seemed like it would make for a good day trip. Annie and I spent the day romping with other dogs in the fenced in area and walking around the park outside the fence. We got back home around 6:30 PM. Note to self, remember to bring a water bowl and a bottle of water next time because Annie does not like the communal water bowl. I made some supper, watched some TV and passed out because a long day of sunshine and fresh air and happy puppy car travel wore me out.

Monday I slept until 10:30, had a bowl of cereal and then attacked the rest of the towels and sheets that had built up in the laundry while I was sick. I tided up once more, put away the clean laundry that was in the bedroom, made the bed, cleaned out the fridge, cleaned the bathroom, took a shower and watched TV. I tried to watch The Mentalist online starting with the Pilot, but all the sites were really questionable or else played the first 35 minutes and then wanted me to go to a different pay site and sign up for god only knows what sneaky thing. Either way, I guess I'm waiting for the season to come out on DVD. Mike came home from Houston and told me about his weekend. I made him a couple of sandwiches and then I went to bed.

That was my vacation.

 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
15 January 2009 @ 03:19 pm
New Years would have been better spent at home.
Husband attempts to dip me along with a Happy New Years Kiss, is informed that he will drop me.
Husband disregards warnings.
NoFunLiz is dropped on her ass, hard.
Happy New Year.

Birthday.
Husband presents flowers, a birthday card and the print out of the Amazon purchase of Doctor Who - Series 4.
NoFunLiz makes a meatloaf and roasted potatoes for supper.
Dessert is carrot cake.
NoFuss, NoFanfare, NoFunLiz turns 34.

Doctors
Specialist A says take pills.
Pills taken.
Mild dizziness, trembly muscles, inability to focus/confusion and a cough ensue.
Specialist B says STOP taking those pills, they are making your blood pressure too low... besides, you don't have what A said you have IMHO.
ooookay?

Fire engine red 1997 Ford Escort LX Sport (CODENAME: IVY) blew her catalytic converter and has reached "not worth the cost of the repairs" .  
Car has been sold to a mechanic who will love her for a little while at least.
Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth as affording a new vehicle at this time is going to require some significant scraping of barrel bottoms and cinching of belts.
Bright Mardi Gras Fun-ball Blue 2009 Toyota Corolla Matrix "S" (CODE NAME TENTATIVELY: SAPPHIRA - potentially HENRY - unconfirmed) has been purchased. 
Returned two days later for dealer to correct defects in paint. 
New vehicle ready to be picked up on 01/16/2009, 8 AM.

Weather
Cold...
Nope, colder than that.
No, close your eyes, think about the coldest you have ever been.
Remember how long it took to get warm?
Remember how it burned to breathe?
OK.
Double it.
Add asthma.
Tags: ,
 
 
Current Mood: cold
 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
28 December 2008 @ 09:35 pm
(movie meme) )
 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
16 December 2008 @ 02:47 pm

(swiped from [info]emberleo)

If I were...


A month: February - abrupt, frequently seems cold but with lots of love to give.


A weekday: Saturday - a day to sleep in, wander through the house, look at things you normally hurry past and have fun late at night without a worry for an early morning the next day.


A time of day: Early morning (around 2 am) quiet and private.


A planet: Jupiter - Large, frequently distant, lots of inner turmoil


a piece furniture: Mentally: Work/tool bench - organized but never what you would call clean, functions well to create art as well as most of life’s necessities.  Usually covered in loose screws.  Physically: End table - I may not necessarily illuminate the room...and I may be off in a corner, but I'm pretty good at holding the light if you put it on me.


A fruit: Apple - crisp, sometimes sweet, sometimes tart, versatile, likely to make you sick if you try to rush me.


A sin: Greed - I want money...I'll share it...but you've gotta give it to me first.


A liquid: Draino - I'm good at cutting through the gunk, but don't try to hold on to me too long...I get caustic.


A tree: Willow - I am most inspired to grow (mentally, artistically) when I'm near water.  I have strong roots and an unruly mop of long hair.


A flower: Poppy - I am cute though not beautiful, I can provide you with a relaxing, stress free friendship or brief pleasure.  Too much of me is certain death.


A type of weather: Night snowfall - mostly silent, muffled


An animal: Owl - solitary, nocturnal, predatory, far-sighted, camouflaged. Associated with wisdom but frequently not very bright.


A color: Gray - soft, comfortable, blendable, mutable...but a stronger accent when needed.


An herb: Peppermint - cooling, soothing or bracing, energizing, excellent with chocolate.


A voice: mezzo soprano - mellow, less potential for being shrill but still piercing and expressive.


A chemical element: Mercury - always trying to get away

.
A car: Sporty hatchback/wagon. - Useful, reliable, responsible...secretly dreaming of being an Audi R8


A food: Coffee - you love me or loathe me...nobody "kinda" likes coffee. 


A drink made of alcohol: Red Wine - dry, heavy, expensive taste, humble beginning.


A place on earth: Desert - a place of extremes and potential hidden riches...blistering hot AND freezing cold, generally inhospitable...except to the most tenacious of creatures and determined of souls.


A number: 6 - a quest for harmony, balance, sincerity, love, and truth

 

A date: January 3rd - it is I and I am it.


Shoes:  sneakers - comfortable and ready to move.


A saying: "I have walked through many lives, some of them my own, and I am not who I was, though some principle of being abides, from which I struggle not to stray."  - Stanley Kunitz


a song: Barber's Adagio for Strings, Op. 11 sung as the Agnus Dei by an all male choir - A broad spectrum of tones repeatedly building up to something magnificent and always falling just short, save once, followed by a contented observation of peace.


A movie: The Neverending Story - I live in my dreams and in dream worlds far too much, always waiting for my chance to fly on a luck dragon.


A character from a book: Eowyn - When asked What do you fear my lady?” her answer was "A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire."


A mythological creature: Sphinx - I guard that which I love most and the thoughts that are dearest to me.  Unfortunately while this makes me a good friend, lover and family member, this makes me unknowable as my purpose is not to be known.


A character from a comic/manga: I don't read either...so I don't have an answer for this one.

 


 

 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
12 December 2008 @ 11:31 am

Interesting how a song from 37 years ago can still apply so well to the sentiments of today.

One of the many bits of wisdom that my grandmother has passed on to me comes to mind.

It's 2008, she is 87 years old and to this day, she hates the sight of the mail man. It's nothing personal against the lovely workers of the United States Postal Service. It's just that she remembers the draft notices coming in the mail, first for her husband and brother during WWII, then later for her son and son-in-law for Vietnam. If the draft had remained in effect, her grandson would have been drafted just in time for Desert Storm, her grand son-in-law for the current wars going on in Iraq and Afghanistan. Though the poor postman or postwoman is only the middleman, they were the face she could attach to the letter and the government who was trying to take away her family. She wants to know why the United States needs to participate in a war every 20 years. She has asked if the governments of the world agree to cull the herd once per generation? She's not stupid. She understands that there is money to be made. She just doesn't understand how people can still sit there and try to balance out profit margins with the number of dead and injured people. Hours after the attacks on 9/11/01 she said to me "There will be a war now." She said this with a mournful certainty that I will never forget. She is right, every 20-25 years...a war for each generation.

In speaking with her now, she understands that the war we're in isn't something we can just cut off and end. There is no V Day celebration with confetti and tickertape and handsome sailors kissing pretty nurses. She hopes though, that with the new people taking the reigns in 2009, that we can get ourselves out of the mess. She made another comment though, the other day on the phone, that struck me. She said that at least all of those men and women in the military have jobs right now. What waits for them when they come home? I don't know. My grandmother asks good questions.

I wanted to thank all of you who sent your get well wishes and mojo. My grandmother is doing well. She went out yesterday for the first time since her hospital stay. She wanted a burger. *grin* As some of you on my friends list have met her and the rest have read about her at some point on either LJ or Brunchma, while I was decorating her Christmas tree I mentioned to her that she even had crazy internet people wishing her well. That made her smile (and ask how some of you that she recalls are doing...JohnnyC, Bookwyrm and "that gorgeous little one"). She said to say thank you. We were listening to a CD I had made her ages ago of different artists and songs that are all pretty much sung in Italian. I think it makes her feel better to hear her first language sometimes, now that everyone who could speak with her fluently is gone.

She has the highest of hopes for your futures, wishes all of you a merry Christmas and likes a part in the song The Prayer (though she's not incredibly fond of Celine Dion)...and I told her I would post it.   I'm sure many of you have heard it before.

Sogniamo un mondo senza piu violenza,
un mondo di giustizia e di speranza.
Ognuno dia una mano al suo vicino,
simbolo di pace...di fraternita.


 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
07 December 2008 @ 10:31 pm
I woke early this morning to a howling wind, blowing snow, branches scraping on the roof and a goofy dog who wanted to be out in it.   The first time (around 6:30 am) I let her out, closed the door to the den to conserve heat in the rest of the house, let the dog back in and snuggled back in under the covers.  A few hours later, she wanted to go out again which earned a sleeping husband an elbow jab and a murmured "your turn".

Later on, after being lazy with coffee and bagels, I started in on cleaning as we are getting ready to decorate for Christmas and I would rather not decorate over dust.  So I did the dishes, started a huge pot of turkey soup and a load of laundry.  Then I set to work on putting away all of the clean laundry that had been sitting in the bedroom in a basket for quite some time.  While I dusted and polished the furniture, Mike vacuumed for me and moved the theater system around a bit to accommodate for our Christmas tree.  He set up the tree, made sure it was balanced in it's tree-stand and made sure all the lights were working.  I love our pre-lit tree.  We'll get to fluffing the branches out and hanging the decorations during the week, though it already looks pretty without any ornaments on it even if it's still kind of squished from being in the box.  So far the pets have been well behaved with the tree.  They have been good every year so I'm not surprised.  The only time they got into mischief was mostly my fault.  A few years ago I hung a bell decoration near the bottom that the cat liked to poke at and ring, until she knocked it off the tree and then Annie chewed on it a little.  I'm smarter now.

Saturday night I went to visit my grandmother and brought a little 3' Christmas tree and a bag full of lights and decorations.  I figured it might cheer her up.  Physically she is improving.  Emotionally is another story.  She's alternately angry that this happened to her and really depressed.  My aunt called today and said the overnight was rough for my grandmother and this morning she was very upset, saying things like she wishes she had died rather than have to deal with all of these doctors appointments and medications and Medicare and the visiting nurse.  So I called her and gabbed her ear off for a good hour.  I talk about stuff to look forward to doing in the coming year in the hopes that she looks forward to it too.  I'm also thinking of making her a CD full of Christmas music because the oldies (think 1930-1950) radio station that she used to listen to changed it's format to more recent "oldies" (1950-1970) and she misses the music.  She's got a bunch of CDs that we've bought her but I think she gets tired of listening to one artist, in the same sequence over and over again.  Hopefully we have enough in our collection from the artists that she likes (Judy Garland, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin...etc) to make a decent length CD or two.  I hope it helps her through what she's feeling right now.  Even though I'm no stranger to depression, I still have no idea how to help someone else experiencing it.

My soup came out really well, but I have a fuckton left over so I froze a good portion of it and packed up some for both of our lunches tomorrow.  The temperatures outside are approaching the "lose the will to live along with the end of your nose in less than two minutes" range and lake squalls are scheduled for the overnight.  I don't think it will be too bad.  Just windy and colder than a witches tit.  I'm thinking tomorrow is going to be a wool sweater day.  The forecast has the high temps listed for the upcoming work week as 25, 42, 50, 25 and 28.  I'm hoping that 50 is a typo because this kind of shit is what always ends up hitting my sinuses and making me miserable.  On the bright side, I already have the soup.
 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
04 December 2008 @ 07:44 pm
1.] grab the nearest book.
2.] open the book to page 23.
3.] find the fifth sentence.
4.] post the text of the next three sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5.] don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! i know you were thinking about it! just pick up whatever is closest.

Let's see if you can figure out which one it is.

(I actually had my husband go and grab me a random book so I didn't even choose it)

"Why do you laugh so?", he says gently, and then he commences himself, with that whimpering, hysterical note in his voice like a helpless wretch who realizes suddenly that no matter how many how many frock coats he puts on he will never make a man.  He wants to run away, to take a new name.  "She can have everything, that cow, if only she leaves me alone", he whines.

Edited because I didn't give you all the answer. )

 
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Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
30 November 2008 @ 09:42 pm
This past Friday could have been the very worst day of my life.

Some back story for those of you who don't already know.  When I was 9 months old, my mother died from breast cancer.  My father being the product of his generation had no idea what to do with a baby on his own.  He wisely handed me over to his parents with no muss and no fuss as my mother had been in foster care until she was 16 and had no biological ties to contest this decision.  My grandparents were in their 50s at the time.  They both said that being given another chance to be parents again when they weren't broke and terrified was the best thing that could have happened to them.  They always made me feel loved and wanted and treasured.  They didn't have a lot of money but they made my young life pretty amazing. 

When I was 12, my grandfather had a heart attack and died while serving jury duty.  Everything in my life felt like it had been smashed and it was my grandmother and I against the world from then on.  She had been a housewife and mother for 42 years and wasn't very confident in banking and budgeting and bill paying as my grandfather had taken care of everything, so we both learned together.  Like a normal teenage girl, I gave her some serious agita with boys and grades and coming home late and what not...but thankfully that all passed. 

When I went to college, I stayed local and lived at home both to save money and to stay with her as by this time she was in her early seventies and while spry and still driving her great big boat of an Oldsmobile, I didn't want her to be alone.  After college, I continued to live at home.  As an adult, she became so much more than my replacement mom.  She became my best friend who I would sit down with after work and we would talk about everything from politics to relationships, from books and movies and the history that she and her family have lived through. 

When I married my husband, we bought my grandmother's house that I have always lived in, to take the financial burden and responsibility from her but she still lived with us which continued to bring me so much joy.  A few years ago, she made the decision to move in with her daughter, my aunt, because my uncle was retiring and would be at home all day to help her if she needed help and while she wasn't in poor health, she did have frequent enough doctors appointments that she felt was difficult on my husband and I who work 40+ hours per week.  I fought her every step, but her mind was made up.  I have missed her being with me every day for the last 2 years even though she's only about 5 miles away at my aunts house and I visit her as often as possible.  The minute she wants to come back with me I will be at her doorstep to move her back home.

This Friday morning, at 3:58 AM the phone rang.  By the time I found the cordless phone, the machine had picked up the call.  The caller didn't leave a message.  It took me about 4 minutes to remember what the phone feature to get caller ID was and in dialing it back, I received my Aunt's phone number.  I called...and called and nobody would answer.  I told Mike, my husband, that I was going over there because I was sure something was wrong.  They weren't answering the house phone and I had called and left 3 messages  at their house already in the last 5 minutes and my aunt's cell phone was going straight to voicemail.  Mike got up out of bed and drove me there.  When we got there, nobody was home and one of the cars was missing from the driveway.  Barely able to breathe, I called 411 on my cell phone and had them connect me to Park Ridge Hospital Emergency Center as that is the closest hospital.  When the woman picked up I gave her my name, my grandmother's name and age and asked if she was there.  When the woman said that she was, that they had just brought her in, I felt the worst emotional pain in my life so far.  I was grateful that Mike was driving because I was crying far too hard to be able to drive. 

Ten minutes later, at 4:17 AM, Mike pulled into the Emergency Center loop and I ran from the car to find my aunt and uncle in the waiting room.  They said my grandmother had woken in the night with chest pain and pain in her head.  They had called her doctor and the doctor on call instructed them to take her to the emergency.  All my aunt knew is that they were working on her and running tests.  Twenty minutes later, they allowed my aunt back to be with her.  Ten minutes after that, my aunt came out to get me.  When I walked back to  the room, to find this tiny old woman in an enormous hospital bed looking back at me, hooked up to every possible machine I couldn't help but cry.  Tears of gratitude that I still had time.  That she wasn't gone from me.  I didn't want to upset her so I held as much as I could in, but I cannot express how relieved and thankful I was and continue to be.

The doctors advised us that she had had a heart attack and she needed an angiogram.  They found the blockage and put in a stent.  All of these things pose a risk to your average every day person.  In a tiny 87 year old woman, the risks are much more, still she pulled through for us and has been being babied by all the nurses, doctors and aids in the cardiac unit who think she is the nicest and cutest thing on the planet.  Her whole family has been with her the past two and a half days, only going home in shifts to sleep, shower and maybe grab a meal.  We are hoping that if her blood tests are good, that they will let her go home tomorrow because that it all she wants right now.  She has had a few irregular heartbeats so they have been keeping her.

What could have possibly been the very worst day of my life, wasn't.  Even though Thanksgiving was over when the nightmare began, I am so thankful this weekend to know that I have been given even just a little more time with her.  She is the center of my family and our greatest treasure.  She is the only mother I have ever known and my best friend.  She is alive and with proper medical care, medications and diet she will continue to be with us for as long as she can. 

As for the state of the Liz, I am physically tired, emotionally near catatonic and I look at least 10 years older than I did this time last week.  My body hates me because I've mostly eaten like shit in the last few days living mostly on caffeine and sugar to keep going.  I will recover.  Work is going to be tough this week because my mind will be on her.  I have a husband who has supported me and done anything I've asked this weekend to allow me to devote all of my time to my grandmother and though I always knew it, I am just reminded how lucky I am to have him as my partner in this life.  Thank you Mike, my dearest love.
 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
24 November 2008 @ 12:47 pm

Bob Marley & The Wailers - Gold (Island Records 2005)

(Wiki has a good summary of this album so I'm going to use it) Gold is a two-disc compilation album by Bob Marley and the Wailers that was released on the Island Records label in 2005 . The compilation is intended to be a career-spanning retrospective, and no fewer than two songs are selected from each of Bob Marley and the Wailers' albums with the company. Songs range from his first album for the label, Catch a Fire, and span all the way through to the last album Marley would live to see released in his lifetime, Uprising, concluding with the posthumous releases "Iron Lion Zion," and tracks from Confrontation.

On a personal note, some time in the spring of 1991 I received my drivers license. During the following summer, I drove an impossibly large 1983 Oldsmobile Delta 88 (think two steel I-beams on wheels) all over Monroe County, New York with one of five cassettes that I owned playing at all times and it was Bob Marley's "Legend" compilation album that streamed from my windows more often than any other. Bob Marley's music will always bring to mind that summer sun and the freedom of an open road and the laid back "anywhere I want to go (as long as I'm home by midnight)" mentality that still holds so much power in my thoughts as an adult. When people start talking about making the soundtrack for their lives, the music on the Gold and the Legend albums would be THE summer of '91.

Bon Jovi - Have a Nice Day (Island/Mercury Records 2005)

Ok, so I didn't pick Slippery When Wet which was quite possibly the last actual vinyl record I purchased before everything seemingly switched over to cassette. I chose Have a Nice Day because I think this album had some of the best songs they had written in some time. The singles they released just say so much about the midway point that most people reach where they have to decide if they're going to be that person they always were or if they're going to cut a lot of it loose and take the next bunch of time without all the baggage and perspectives that have ruled for so long. Songs like Have a Nice Day and Welcome to Wherever You Are and Who Says You Can't Go Home...maybe to some they seem like easing into middle age but there's a lot to be said for being able to grow up and appreciate the world with new older eyes. There's a still the disconnect of being unable to ever understand what life is like for someone who spent the greater part of their young adult years traveling the world and interacting with stadiums full of people. Even so...it's difficult to explain why this album is any better than their other releases except to say it's a fitting way for a rock band to mature.

Brandi Carlile - The Story (Columbia Records 2007)

Brandi Carlile is a relatively new addition to my iPod and music collection. A few weeks ago I was sitting at my desk in an empty office on a Saturday morning. I had left my iPod at home and so plugged my earbuds into my work PC and went to Pandora.com. As for the musical genre I plugged in for it to search for...I just put in "Indigo Girls" figuring I would probably enjoy the selection of music it came back at me with. It came back at me with some choice, choice music from people all over the world who I had never heard of but are making some seriously great music. Brandi Carlile is very bare bones and I think just starting out in her songwriting. Research has indicated that this whole album was recorded in 11 days and in a way to retain the "Live-Raw" sound that Brandi was starting to be known for I like this album better than her first self titled one. She's had some minor success with the singles "Turpentine" and "The Story". The Indigo Girls are featured with her on the album in a song called Cannonball. I'm going to be keeping track of Brandi Carlile.

 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
18 November 2008 @ 10:16 am
I'm amused at the meme fever on my friends list.  I have to admitt that the Nosey-Parker segment of my personality is happy to know all of this new trivia.  It seems that with the recent snowfall here in the Northeast (and upper midwest I believe) and the corporations chomping at the bit, we will just blow by Thanksgiving and freefall into the Christmas season and I'm in list making mode.  Grocery lists, Christmas card lists, Holiday shopping idea lists, household to do lists...it's knee-jerk to to list memes.

I said Christmas season didn't I.  Was it always a season?  I hate the frequency that I'm saying "Back when I was a kid" but back when I was a kid it didn't seem to be a whole season.  There was a  tree to put up and letter to Santa a couple of weeks before, the Santa's beard/cottonball calendar to be made at school and then suddenly it was Christmas morning.  I opened a few gifts, watched other people open theirs, had an awesome meal with family, played with my toys some more and then went to bed.  The tree was usually down within the week.  Ah well, as long as the push of red and green and overlit chaos doesn't enter my home for another couple of weeks at least, I can deal with it.  I'm not out in public enough for it to affect me.  Not in the way that it hits the poor retail employees at the mall.  They have my deepest sympathy every single year.

So, cheers...enjoy the memes, 'tis the season?
 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
15 November 2008 @ 10:40 pm

Three Things ...
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Liz
2. Elizabeth
3. Captain Fantastic

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. IndigoGrrl
2. Indi
3. NoFunLiz 

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My Hair
2. My Smile
3. My Eye Color

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Every
2. Thing
3. Else

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Italian (Northern Italian)
2. Sicilian (Southern Italian, trust me there's a difference)
3. French

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Extreme Heights
2. Hypodermic needles
3. Ignorance

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. A book
2. My glasses
3. A Ponytail holder 

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING NOW:
1. Pajama bottoms
2. A Pink Floyd T Shirt
3. Socks

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Indigo Girls
2. Mark Selby
3. The Proclaimers

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (RIGHT NOW):
1. Turpentine by Brandi Carlile
2. Blood Lying on Snow by The Proclaimers
3. Dynamo of Volition by Jason Mraz

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. The Retention of individuality
2. Respect
3. Friendship 

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
1. My bedroom is pink.
2. I was born on perihelion (the day the earth is closest to the sun).
3. I love tomato soup.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Strong Shoulders
2. Strong and/or graceful hands
3. Brains

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Travel
2. Reading
3. Playing/recording music with my guitar teacher and friend Matt Q.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Hire a cleaning service to clean my house and do laundry
2. Get on a Plane (I always want to do this though)
3. Have a big glass of ice water (one realistic thing that I CAN do right now)

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:
1. Professional Musician (not bloody likely)
2. Unicef/UN/Peace Corps Volunteer/Support Teams (if I won the lottery/came into a lot of money)
3. Veterinarian (if I had a time machine)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Marsabit Lodge - Marsabit National Park, Kenya
2. Cairo (and the Nile delta in general)
3. Sicily

THREE NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Elena
2. Dominic
3. Stella

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Record an album of solo material (just for myself, not for release)
2. Run out of blank space in my passport
3. Find my internal happy medium

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I wear make up
2. PMS insanity like clockwork
3. Bountiful non-augmented breasts

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY (OPPOSITE SEX):
1. t-shirt, jeans, Chucks = Dressed to go out to dinner
2. Killer upper body strength - mostly thanks to genetics
3. Agressive like a motherfucker (this has tempered with age, though not much)

THREE PEOPLE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. ICantDrv55 (as punishment for being unhelpful)
2. Fanghopper (because I know how much she loves quizzes)
3. Fionnabhair
 
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Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
13 November 2008 @ 04:22 pm

The Black Crowes – The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion (1992, Def American Records)

 

In 1990, The Black Crowes hit the airwaves with a surprisingly funky version of the Otis Redding song “Hard to Handle”.  People everywhere were getting the chorus stuck in their heads, even though they couldn’t quite make out the words, walking around mumbling “Man manna ma ma dushore lu, Pretty little thing let me light your candle…mmrmemrmmr Da hanna na yessarn”.

 

Two years later they released their sophomore album “The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion”.  The song “Remedy” was probably the most popular released single off of the album.  The strange thing about that single is that it’s the back-up singers who get the real hook of the song and not the band itself.  Chris Robinson’s voice while still distinct is nowhere near as strong on this album as it was the first one.  It seems almost lazy in every song.  While It still lends itself to the genre and styles of the songs well, the dynamics really aren’t there like they are on the first album.  The rest of the band seems better, really on, plugged in and ready to hit it.  Unfortunately for some reason, being tired from touring, drug abuse, personal issues, whatever, Chris Robinson’s vocals just don’t quite make it this time.  The track “My Morning Song” is the closest they come, in my opinion, to the energy they had on Shake Your Money Maker.  Still, the back-up singers carry him through the chorus.

 

Speaking of back-up singers.  When Remedy was a oft played single on the radio, I would walk down the hallways at school singing the chorus, just to hear it reverberate off the metal lockers.  My friend Carrie used to say “We always know when Liz is coming, you can hear her 7 classrooms down.”

 

Bob Dylan – The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan (1963, Columbia Records)

How do I talk about Bob Dylan and not ramble on for pages?  His lyrics and music has influenced pretty much everyone from musicians and other artists to normal average everyday people.  I was not yet born when Bob Dylan’s music was it’s most popular and influential.  Most of my family were around but for some reason the 60s seems to be the missing decade in their collective memories.  Maybe they feel it's a time that while peppered with amazing things, is a mostly sad time.  Most of them were old enough to be pretty content with the rock and roll of the 50s bleeding into the Motown sound.  Or they were older and didn’t like rock and roll at all.  Needless to say, the whole Beat generation, British invasion, Folk/Blues resurgence and eventual summer of love thing never really was something that they were a part of.  My mother would have been a better source of information but all I had of her was a jewelry box full of beads and woven leather thong bracelets some hand made clothes for a woman much taller than I would ever be and a record collection full of Simon & Garfunkle, Janis Joplin, Bob Dylan and John Denver (amongst others)…all of which was destroyed in the flooding from the 1991 ice storm here.

 

Bob Dylan’s voice isn’t anything anyone would consider particularly appealing, I’m pretty sure we can all agree on that.  Nor is he the best ever guitar player or harmonica player.  Bob Dylan is a poet who managed to get his heart across with the help of his music.  He showed us through his music that, as in the blues, people can be confused, sad, disappointed and unsatisfied but it’s ok because if you are it’s likely that so is everyone around you and it’s time to ask what are we gonna do about it? 

 

I try to think about those nearly 16 years, long enough for a generation to be born and grow up seeing nothing but death tolls and violence in their current events and not really having any real solid answers as to why. The music and counterculture that cropped up in response seems so much more noble than anything we are doing today, where we seem to be living in a culture that is perfectly fine with looking away and pretending the darkness isn’t there, rather than questioning why.

 

I’ll stop now about Bob Dylan, but if you’ve never taken the time to listen to him for whatever reason…please give him a try and this album is a pretty good one to start with.  If only to get yourself to start asking why we seem hell bent on killing off or maiming hundreds of thousands if not millions of people worldwide every 15 to 20 years or so and what can you do to change it.

 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
12 November 2008 @ 05:37 pm

As there is no way I could participate in NaNoWriMo and stay sane, this seemed like a good meme to flex my mental muscle with.

 

Writing Meme
1. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.
2. Turn on your music player and put it on random/shuffle.
3. Write a drabble related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts, and stop when it's over. No lingering afterward!
4. Do ten of these, then post them

 (I only had time for four today as I am at work and need to do work type things…but here you go.)

 

Impressions – John Coltrane (14:30) 

Into the mesh of nearly dead daylight, concrete and headlights, he hits the pavement at stride.  His thoughts race ten feet in front of his brisk walk, already where he should be instead of where he is.  At the corner, engulfed in the smell of hair product and cologne and winter wool pulled from storage and various qualities of human breath, he’s just part of the horde waiting for the light to change.  It’s a heaving, noisy black mass where everyone is talking but not to each other.  People on cell phones talking loud and louder to be heard over one another are only outdone by people who appear to be having conversations with themselves, loud animated conversations;

“I don’t give a fuck what she says, I passed on that so we could do her thing and now the whore wants me to pay her way? *pause*  I know, I should have! Big surprise there right?  A rude awakening!  I…yeah…that’s what I was thinking.  I dunno, 20 minutes maybe?”

These people would have been taken away in a white jacket a mere 30 years ago but today they are spared that trip to the loony bin by technology and the little blue light shining on the headset wrapped over one ear and pressed to the cheekbone.

 

The lights change and the herd moves en masse. Black coats, black pants, black skirts, black boots, black bags, black briefcases.  “Fuckin’ New York” he thinks with a grim grin for probably the millionth time.  He’s one of them now though, in his black business suit and jacket.  He’s been here for fifteen years but he figures he’s been a New Yorker since he stepped off the plane.  He passes one of those trying-oh-so-hard-to-be-European coffee/bread shops and without stopping, clocks himself in the window’s reflection.  Not too bad.  He’s still slim, average height, good hair, a bit pale but not unusually so. 

 

One more block, up the steps and into his building…elevator out of service again, fantastic.  He races up the three flights and lets himself into his apartment of brick walls and exposed beams and crap urban chic.  He doesn’t care.  He knows he’s a joke, a self-parody but who cares if you’ve got the money and the means to keep making it.  Standing for a brief moment at the open fridge that only holds bottled water, a shriveled lime, a jar of olives and a rather questionable bit of cheese wrapped in waxed paper.  The phone rings and wakes him from his moment of refrigerated meditation.

 

“Mark!  Where are you?”

“Just got in, getting ready to change and head back out”

“But mostly everyone is here. We’re waiting on you!”

“I’ll be there in less than a half hour, you can time me.”

She knows he’s lying and that he might make it to the restaurant in time for dessert but probably not. She says “Fine” and hangs up. 

 

He jumps in the shower with the full intention of getting to dinner, getting to her, being the guy.  THAT guy.  The one she needs him to be.  Fifteen minutes later he’s washed, dressed, combed and standing at the door with keys and coat in hand. 

He’s just standing in the doorway like a toy with its batteries run down.  He needs to get to the restaurant, to be THE GUY.  Through the open door to the bedroom he sees his shaving bag under the bedside table.  His mind, already down the stairs and out the front door calls back “There isn’t time!”.

He steps back in and shuts the door, his door, his life outside, his mind left without him.  His coat is on the floor and the keys end up…somewhere, wherever…he just wants to get to the bedroom.

He hears the voice that isn’t there the one that strokes him like nothing else does.

“Oh honey…there’s ALWAYS time.”

As he takes out the bag and sets to work, as he ties the tube around his arm, he doesn’t even notice that he’s repeating the phrase “always time” over and over.

He’s not going to make it to dinner…but oh honey…that’s just, just fiiiine.

 

Nashville – Indigo Girls (3:58)
 

Man was she relived.  She scuffed down the gravely side of the road from the place where the school bus usually drops her off.

 

I mean, it was cool and all.  The kissing part especially.  That was really good, even if she wasn’t sure what to do or where to put her arms or if she should breathe.  Grown ups just keep saying to wait, “wait until you’re ready, wait until you’re married, wait until you’re older…just wait.”  Makes you wonder if they’ve ever really kissed someone.  You feel those lips and everything is so slick and soft and warm.  Then it’s teeth and pressure and your brain turns off and your heart is beating so loud that you can’t tell whether that was you who just made that sound deep in your throat or them.

Wait my ass.

 

The other part, it was ok, she supposed.  It was a little strange and she wasn’t entirely certain that was how it was supposed to feel but she couldn’t say for sure how it WAS supposed to feel anyway.  It made the whole command to wait into a puzzle though.  If they just told people that the fun part was the kissing and the rest was kind of a drag they wouldn’t have to tell them to wait.  No body would be interested.  Either way, she’s glad to be back on her own for a bit.  That room was making her feel crowded even with just the two of them in there.  Listening to crunch under her sneakers, the promise of a cherry Coke and a Kit Kat bar from the convenient store on the way home pulling her forward.  She wonders if she can get her sister to wash the dishes tonight instead, she’s a little sore and there’s sure to be a vocab quiz tomorrow.  She should study.

 

High Water – Bob Dylan (4:04) 

He reckoned it seemed like just about everything always felt better once you stopped doing whatever it is you were doing.  Everything he wanted and got he didn’t want anymore and wanted something else.  Always moving on to the next best thing and the greener grass. The road goes on forever that way and that suited him just fine.  He was young enough and strong enough and could get another job and a different girl.  They always came along eventually.  Something to be said about getting to wipe that slate clean time and time and time again. 

 

In his book nothing was irreplaceable.  People and things and money were expendable and time, well.  Time was one of those things that just keeps on moving until it doesn’t anymore.  Maybe someday he’ll have to settle down, get a house that will do and a wife that will do and have some kids that will do.  That’s all people ever do anyway, don’t they?  Freak out, look around, grab onto the nearest sucker and take, and keep on taking what will do.  “Everything is temporary and you all know it” he thinks.  “Ya’ll just lie to yourself saying this or that or the other thing is forever.  Every emotion you ever had expires with your last breath and if you’re all honest with yourselves, you’ll know that they probably all expired years before that.  But that’s ok, you all go be complacent…I’m gonna rest here a spell, then I’ll be moving on.”

 

He thinks everyone is like him, just waiting for one thing to end so they can start on to the next shiny thing.

 

Hear My Train A’Comin’ – Jimi Hendrix (9.49)

Rhys was her man.  She said it every morning.  She said it every time he made her laugh.  She said it every night at dinner.  She loved him.  He was her family and her life.  They’d been together since school.  She didn’t want to think about why she felt the need to tell herself these things over and over again.  She didn’t want to but, sitting in the hub, she always knows.  Rhys is good and safe and loving and warm.  He’s predictable and comforting.  He’ll always be there for her.

 

Owen…on the other hand.

He made her feel weak and restless.  He baited her and crashed wits with her.  He insulted and ignored her.  Except when he didn’t.  Except when he stared.  She remembered the nights in his bed, the front seat of the truck, the drawer for god’s sake.  Everything with Owen was angles and edges, attack and retreat.  It left her off balance and excited. 

 

But she loves Rhys, She’s with Rhys. Rhys is her man.

Damnit.
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Current Mood: tired
 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
12 November 2008 @ 12:07 pm
Meme  

If you saw me in a police car, what would you think I got arrested for?

Answer me, then if you want, post to your own journal and see how many crimes you get accused of.
 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
11 November 2008 @ 03:38 pm

Indi’s iPod project continues finally though some of the next few entries may make you cringe and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.  At least, that’s what it did to me.

 

Beyoncé – Dangerously In Love (Released 06/24/2003 on Columbia Records)

*sigh*  I have to admit that occasionally I’m swayed by popular culture or I’ll hear a beat that just makes me want to move.  I figure it will be good background music or something to use at the gym.  Sometimes it works out and I find a gem track that is so much better than the released single but will most likely be missed once every radio station is done beating that single to death and the collective corporate consciousness has moved on to the next Big Thing™.  With the money I’ve wasted on this inexplicable whim I could have maybe bought that new car I so desperately need.  Either way, here’s Beyoncé.  She’s beautiful and young and luscious and has some talent.  She does a great Donna Summer impression.  The album bores me to tears.  It’s a bubblegummy, dull, giving the men what they want, cover album (oops, I mean hommage) with a decently programmed drum machine.  Sean Paul and various other artists make some cameos on this album but IMHO nothing spares this from being incredibly meh.  I’m sure you can get your freak on out on the dance floor (or maybe the apartment floor) with “Naughty Girl” and “Baby Boy” but there’s much MUCH better music to boink to.

 

Billie Holiday – Billie Holiday’s Greatest Hits (Decca Recordings) Verve Records 06/06/1995

Billie Holiday, the name just makes you feel better about feeling blue.  Her voice is so different and distinct.  A sliding, sighing, feminine toughness makes Billie Holiday one of those people you hear and just know.  The songs she performed became standards.  Her personal life was just one long tragedy of poverty, sexual abuse, drug abuse, crime and poor choices.  It was broken up with amazing artistry, breathtaking performances and opportunities to work with the premier names in jazz and blues.  She died alone, poor, ravaged by drugs and alcohol and under arrest at the hospital.  That so many artists go this way makes me wonder if people will ever learn, or if art is the only real way that fundamentally and often beautifully broken people have even a small chance at life.

 

For me personally, the music of Billie Holiday reminds me of home.  The home I live in now, but during the time when my grandmother was raising me.  She had a radio that was older than god which made any pop song sound just horrendous…but when tuned to her classics station on the AM band…for some reason made everything sound so personal and present, like the performance was happening right there in the warm, cheery kitchen.  It was on all day long, but it was never ever disturbing.  Just a popping background hiss and music from long ago.  Quite possibly that sound was because the AM station was still broadcasting off of records instead of CD and MP3.  Either way, it’s a warm, welcoming sound.  It’s the comfort of what has always been my home.  That’s what Billie Holiday sounds like to me.

 

Billy Joel – Live At Carnegie 06/03/1977

I don’t care who you are or what you say…Billy Joel is one disgustingly talented man.  He’s not and never has been handsome.  He’s short and if he had had to rely on MTV to make or break him we wouldn’t even know who he was.  His hits, of which there are many, have filled the airwaves for three decades now.  He can still sell out a stadium, let alone an arena or auditorium, in record time.  He’s written rock and pop and classical and jazz and blues and doo-wop…you name it.  His music has been made into a broadway show and is, to me, woven deep into the American culture.  His experience in and knowledge of the music industry is priceless information that any musician of any genre should be listening to.

 

 Again, as with many artists I enjoy, it’s not the love songs that pull me in or the platinum single.  It’s the “B-sides” and tracks that never got the radio play.  It’s the story telling songs.  On this recording from over 30 years ago I’ve got to say Angry Young Man is my favorite.  It’s such a show off piece for Billy Joel to do.  We know he’s got the piano skills and the song writing skills, this song is him just being a cocky little show off and I love it.  Makes me feel pretty damn good every time.



edited to add a thank you to [info]soragaaidesho (aka, The Secret Mistress of MR. CURVE!! ) who got me out of my ever frequent reoccuring funk with a well timed quote.   You rock my socks babe.
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Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
06 November 2008 @ 02:33 pm
  Yes, that's right, you read that correctly.  I'm in a good mood...and that never bodes well for anyone.  Though I think a great many people are in a better mood this week than they have been for quite some time.  The best post election congratulations were brought to my attention to day by Jon in IRC, followed by this blurb of conversation:

<slomo> the prime minister of italy said Obama is "handsome, young, and suntanned."
<Indi> heehee
<Indi> he said it in english or through a translator who screwed it up?
<slomo> oh i dunno. but he has a history of saying oddly creepy homoerotic things about important people (the article i read that in says he said that the prime minister of denmark was the handsomest leader in europe and that he should introduce him to his wife.)
<Indi> HAHAHA
<Indi> you gotta love creepy homoerotic world leaders who love to snog and wear Prada over megalomanial froot-loops with bio weapons and nuclear dreams.
<Indi> though it all still boils down to the male philosophy of "Eat it, Fuck it or Kill it".
<Bookwyrm> just rearranging the order of the parts

*snerk*

I went to bed last night with visions of Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman dancing in my head (ok, swimming naked in the Mediterranean).  I was a little bummed that some things that I ordered from the website that belongs to the celebrity I talk about far to much hadn't arrived but a couple of episodes of Long Way Down helped with that.  It just reinforces how big and beautiful and fascinating the world and it's people can be even though people and places can be dangerous.  I still want to know and see all of it.  Someday, somehow, someway I'll get out there.  Until then, ancient Roman roads, pyramids, jungles, mountains and small villages so alien from everything I know will fill my dreams.  Man, if you could see my dreams you would never go to a movie theater again.  Also, the music from this series is pretty great...I may look for the soundtrack.
 
I slept well and only woke up once to get Mike to let Annie out.  I was my normal blurry self on the way to work until "Making Love Out of Nothing At All" by Air Supply came on the radio.  It's completely cheesy and silly and quite possibly lame but I cracked myself up singing that song the rest of the way to work.  And damn me if I didn't know every single lyric to that stupid, sappy, insipid "power ballad".

At work I finished a report just in time to be handed another, whee!  But I don't really care because, though I've started it, it's not due until next Friday so I'm going to be a little slacker this afternoon and tomorrow.  I've been rocking out to some Proclaimers and Flogging Molly today.  I'm still avoiding Beyonce so the Live Journal iPod Follies are still on hiatus.  Still there is cake to be had in a few minutes for an office birthday, a bottle of diet raspberry lemonade thawing on my desk (I left it in the freezer too long) next to a 100 calorie pack of chocolate chip cookies and only 2 hours left of work.  After work I will go home, create kitchen magic and make dinner out of whatever we have in the house (which is likely to be frozen cod fish, broccoli, garlic, olive oil and various sundry condiments and spices).  There is laundry to do and some other tidying up, but I will most likely snuggle in with a book instead.

It is lovely outside and blue skied in a way you can only see when you're this close to a large body of water, and tend to forget when you have several days of gloom in a row.  I'm enjoying my current inexplicable euphoria and not thinking to hard about the inevitable crash.

So have a good one kids, the regularly scheduled hate and anger will return at an undisclosed time.  Until then, have a gelato, take a nap in some sunshine and spin that old record that always makes you feel good and you listen to far too often.
 
 
Current Location: work
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Whole Wide World - The Proclaimers
 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
03 November 2008 @ 12:56 pm

Finally it’s time for me to recap the last week now that I’ve had a minute to get my head around things.

On Wednesday, I had the culminating moment of nine months of study dedicated to one human being. It’s like I’ve graduated and finished a marathon at the same time and now I’m just winding down. When I made the decision back in February of this year to see just who Henry Rollins was, I had no preconceived notion of him. I wasn’t in what you could call his target audience in the eighties as for the duration he was actually in Black Flag, I was five through ten years old. Unless he was a special guest on The Muppet Show, I wasn’t going to care very much who he was or why he wasn’t getting into trouble for being so noisy.

  I also wasn’t prepared for all there was to know about this one semi-famous (infamous?) celebrity. I mean, he’s one man on planet earth for Pete’s sake! For someone without a whole hell of a lot of notoriety (comparatively), he’s done just a staggeringly gargantuan amount of work. So, in for a penny in for a pound, I dove in, read the books, listened to the music, read every available article/interview, watched the spoken word performances and watched the TV show. I browsed flikr, photobucket, yahoo, youtube and picassa for all available pictures/videos. I felt as though I needed to get caught up…to make up for the last 20 years. I have a heaping helping of regret that I wasn’t paying attention sooner

So, the show. )


 


 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)

The busy last week of October continued with concerts and record shows that kicked off with a road trip to Albany, NY on Halloween.

Rollins, Rednecks and Records )

 


 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
29 October 2008 @ 11:45 am

So, I've been completely slacking off on the iPod listening project.  I still listen to my iPod every day, I've just been avoiding the alphabetical thing because the Bs and Cs are somewhat brutal to listen to at work and are full of work out music or "rarely in the mood for" music.  I'll pick it up when I can stomach listening to a Beyonce album in its entirety.  *shudder*  Currently, I'm really enjoying the new Susan Tedeschi album that came out yesterday and I was digging on some Maceo Parker this morning.

Anyway, tonight we go to see Henry Rollins spoken word show "Recountdown" in Buffalo.  I've been looking forward to this show for months.  Mike hit it on the head last night when we were discussing it.  It's the culminating point of 9 months of deep study (see: obsession) of the man and his works.    I have no doubt that it will be an interesting time and I will make sure to use the facilities before showtime as he has been reported as talking for upwards of 2.5 to 3 hours.  Part of me wants to get there early to get great seats.  Another part of me who is aware of Mr. Rollins preference for being able to see his audience in addition to his intense dislike of fat/less then physically fit people makes me want to be as faaaar away from his line of vision as possible.  *sigh* I suppose we shall see when we get there.

In the last couple of weeks a new forum, Team Rollins,  affiliated with the Henry Rollins fan site, hellohenry.com, went up.  I'm pleased to be a part of it but I also realize now how very spoiled I am by my beloved brunchma.com.  It's partially a comfort zone thing I'm sure as we're all new on the HR forums and brunchers have been a part of my life for going on 9 years.  With brunchma and now livejournal, we're all very familiar with one another's writing styles and what is cool and what is asshattery.  We are comfortable disagreeing with one another and manage to get along.  On the new Team Rollins forum I feel like I have too much to say, that my posts are too long and possibly boring and that some of what I say may not be entirely welcome to diehard Rollins fans.  I just think that if Henry Rollins had control over a fansite about himself he would want political discussions, literary discussions, venting on perceived and real injustices in our lives, workout schedules, exciting travel plans or travel dreams and all kinds of things that make Rollins so interesting himself.  I think he would even welcome comment and criticism of his own works as long as it was intelligently put forth.  He doesn't strike me as having the the kind ego that requires or even particularly likes sycophantic kool-aid drinkers.  I suppose I just need to remind myself that it's a FAN site, on the internet and some people take their fandom very seriously.

Show reviews, thoughts and experiences to follow tomorrow.
 
 
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Susan Tedeschi - Revolutionize Your Soul
 
 
Splut the Feeble (Liz, you dolt)
22 October 2008 @ 09:29 am

The wind blew all the red leaves off the trees out front and now the trees are back to being big gray-brown sticks.  The sky is dark purple gray and it's snowing.  I look at the clock from the bed in the morning and see that it's 7 AM but so very dark outside.

  I could blame the apparent shortness of my beloved autumn, the sky, the cold, brain chemicals or the time but whatever the reason the beast has got it's claws under my skin again.  The conversation going on upstairs is the same old futile shit of too-late never-gonna-be and never-gonna-have followed by the voice asking "why am I even here then?  What was I meant for?" and the bigger voice saying "Nothing. Nobody is meant for anything.  It's chance that made you, probability that designed you and statistics that bring you to where you are now."

The small voice says "Oh".
 
 
 
 

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